


they were ugly

by HalfEmptty



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Coping, Feelings, Hospital, Hurt, Life is hard, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sad, Sam POV, Unreciprocated Love, old steve, sambucky - Freeform, steve rogers made a damn mistake and he’s cancelled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23544292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalfEmptty/pseuds/HalfEmptty
Summary: Steve represented something that Barnes had probably feared his whole life- all compressed into the most painful human to walk the earth. Steve Rogers.Who had turned around and left him.—-Post Endgame.Bucky doesn’t want to visit Steve in hospital anymore. Sam understands.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	they were ugly

The breeze made the flowers in the vase next to Steve’s bed rustle. They were yellow roses, bright, pretty damn unattractive things that dominated a room with both their visuals and scent. The quiet cream of the ward walls was ripped apart by the things. They were ugly. Rogers seemed to like them.

Figured. 

Sam lent backwards, arms stretching at his sides and his mouth parting into an obnoxiously large ‘o’ shape. He’d only arrived ten minutes ago, but time seemed to pass a lot slower in hospitals. The hardness of the chair at his back was making him ache, the general quiet eating into his head. He was usually so good at being patient. It was basically his job, now. But he thought that sometimes, he deserved for it not to be, once in a while. Visiting times were 6:30-8. They came down every evening, driving the 20 minutes to the hospital in somewhat stagnant silence, Barnes turning down the radio whenever Sam reached to turn it on. They’d pull into the parking lot, get out, go talk to Steve, and leave. Clockwork. Mondays through to Saturdays- until Barnes started getting worked up, and Sam started to learn a lot of things about the guy he thought he probably should have known earlier. 

1\. Bucky- _Bucky_ , not the soldier anymore- was an abrasive person.  
2\. Bucky wasn’t _just_ an abrasive person.  
3\. It hurt Bucky to visit Steve.

Sam let his eyes slide gradually over Steve’s bed, right up to the man’s face. It was so familiar, soft and calm. It was nice to see it like that. Steve was so damn uptight, sometimes. Wrinkles cut grooves deep into his skin, painted around his cheeks with the texture of oil on a canvas. His hair was whispy and his cheeks were sunken- but the eyes were his, and they met Sam’s with a glint so comfortably familiar that Sam couldn’t do anything but smile back.

“Sometimes I feel like you’re looking into my soul, or somethin’,” he chuckled, raising an eyebrow. He was tired as fuck. He was also visiting Steve. Some things had priority over others.

“Wish I could,” Steve admitted with a shrug. His shoulders rested back into soft white pillows as he exhaled, voice the same, but so different. Weaker. A little fragile, frayed at the edges. “Then I wouldn’t have to ask you why you’re being so quiet.”

It was funny. Sam had a feeling Steve- _this_ Steve- had no idea.

He looked down for a long moment, his arms folded tight over his chest, the heel of his boot tapping against the bottom of the chair leg. Talking was so much better when you were speaking to people you didn’t know. Speaking to the people you did know carried so much more weight for you. Speaking to the people you *used* to know was harder again, so much harder- but Sam hadn’t trained in mental health nursing for nothing, so goddammit if he was going to let Steve Rogers die without hearing something real. Not that Steve was going to die. 

He exhaled in a huge, tired breath, and wiped a hand across his face.

“You know my sister?” He started, turning to fix him with a soft look. Steve nodded back.

“Sarah. Same name as my mother.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” It had been around 60 years. The old man wasn’t doing too bad- not if he remembered that. A tiny smile creeped it’s way across Sam’s face. But, the talk. Alas. He paused, running his tongue along the back of his teeth. “She invited me round for dinner tonight. First time I’d be seeing her in... well. Five years.”

The silence Steve offered him in reply made Sam understand that he could go on. He left it a moment anyway, drinking up the company and the fact Steve was listening, content. He didn’t know what he’d be afterwards. He hesitated. His sister hadn’t seen him in a long time- but 5 years didn’t exactly equate to 60. Steve had been gone. He’d been gone for a long time.

“Bucky isn’t missing this visit because of a therapy session.”

Steve’s eyes blinked up at him, then. 

“No?”

Sam shook his head gently. Steve looked like some subtle version of confusion. It made him feel shitty.

“I’m just thinking about a lot,” Sam explained slowly. “About… the situation. You and him. He’s not doing good, man. I don’t know if you think he is, thought he was- but he’s stuck right now. I’m putting off a lot of things for him to come down here instead, cause sometimes getting here, for him, is…” _a chore? A big, fat, ugly emotional chore? The bane of his life? His worst nightmare personified?_ “...hard.”

Sam didn’t talk to Bucky. Not half as much as he should. But he felt strongly enough that he could understand to _some_ capacity, the strain it must put on you to be visiting someone daily who was the epitome of your inevitable fears. Steve’s presence was a lot. Even for Sam to comprehend. He was an old man who had lived a long, long time. He felt he’d barely spent a day away from the guy- but Steve hadn’t seen them in a lifetime. Steve represented something that Barnes had probably feared his whole life- all compressed into the most painful human to walk the earth. Steve Rogers. Who had turned around and left him.

Both of them, really. Sam tried, he did. To be empathetic, be sincere, treat the situation how it should be treated- Barnes was the one who’d had his mind _fucked_ and _abused_ , after all. He was just a war vet. Just another guy. He hadn’t been through half the shit these two had, and he should have been grateful he’d _never_ get to see it.

But it hurt. Being alone like this.

Steve might have understood. This Steve Rogers… he was someone else. With more and more years under his belt. He’d moved away. He’d moved on. 

Steve didn’t get it.

It _hurt_ to think about. It hurt to see his face as Sam told him the truth, in the most calm and upsetting way possible. Didn’t really work. Steve looked confused and cloudy, gaze soft. 

“He misses you, Steve,” Sam finished, wondering if you were supposed to put this much strain on an old man. How did you tell him he was wrong, after all these years? He felt regret suddenly, thinking about how he could have gone alongside Steve a month ago and said a much better goodbye before he left for so long, yet for so little. It could have been a year. 5 years. 15. 60. Sam wondered what his ‘we miss you’ would have sounded like if he really had seen him 60 years ago- and not just last month.

“I miss him too.”

Like that. Sam supposed.

He straightened up, sniffing, evaluating Steve’s tone in his head. It was hard. He sounded so familiar- but so different. Sometimes, that was too much.

“It’d mean a lot to him to hear that from you,” he replied, the corner of his mouth twitching up. 

Steve had no idea. Not anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a larger plot I really wanna write, except that plot is HUGE. It’s a post Endgame fic, one that focuses on the struggles of Sam and Bucky’s relationship, and handling losing Steve. Then, character arcs enter the chat, along with: reflection. I want to throw Deadpool and Cable in there, thus, time travel adventures back to pivotal points in Bucky and Sam’s lives- along the way, they’ll grow to not hate each others guts, and most importantly, move on from Steve Rogers. 
> 
> I really wanna write this- I just haven’t written a giant fic... ever, really. I wanted to post this because it’s one of the scenes I thought might be good to start with, and I’m really proud of it. I wanted to get people’s feedback- I love Wade and Nathan so much and would adore to have the comic versions of them collide with MCU Sam and Bucky, to show the similar themes, and how contrasting people can grow to accept and love eachother. But I was a little unsure as to how many other people wanna see that. The fic will be pretty heavy, maybe possibly result in Sam/Bucky but it’s not the goal, and probably Cablepool because I SUCK. Anyways, it’ll mostly be anti Steve because who is PRO Endgame Steve anyway?? Weird writing. Gonna be a kiss goodbye to Stucky as well as a tribute to Steve himself. I’ll be working with what the MCU left us as realistically as I can impact wise. That’s the plan anyways.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments. I love hearing feedback on here, y’all are great. Thanks so much for reading


End file.
